A note to daddies-to-be

How do I even begin this? The birth of a child changes your life. Immediately and irrevocably. You (meaning your wife, because why would any man read up on the topic?) can prepare for it all you want and read every book on birth and childcare you can possibly find, but you will never know the full extent of those few words in the top lines until you hold a helpless little human being in your arms.

And even then… It’s only when you leave the hospital when the real fun starts. When your wife and the newborn are still in hospital, you think it’s not as bad as anyone said and you’ll be able to handle it. And those will be your famous last thoughts.

Pretty soon your wife’s mommy hormones will be firing on full capacity, and you, daddy, may and probably will be in the dog box pretty much all the time. So I thought perhaps I can give a few pointers to new daddies on what to expect and how to handle mom, the baby and this entire new way of life.

• A lot of men feel excluded at this early stage of their child’s life. Well yes, mommy hormones are strong drugs and it may be true that your wife is paying more attention to your new child than you. That is the way it works, but you don’t have to be an outsider. It is up to you to become involved and be a part of the new family. You can hold and love your baby. You can look after him and give your wife some time to sleep or take a bath lasting longer than ten seconds. If the baby is bottle-fed, you can take turns to feed him. And yes, you CAN change nappies. It seems trivial, but in the first few weeks bonding does also take place during these tasks. It’s also not that bad to get poo on your hands. Standard soap will wash it off. Unbelievable, but true!

• It’s a good idea to go with your wife to the pharmacy and baby shop at least once BEFORE she goes to hospital for the delivery. You will be required to buy medicine, pads, breast pads and baby necessities (you hadn’t anticipated would run out so soon) even when mom is still in hospital. And boy, heaven helps the man who dare turn up with the wrong brand. Or size. Or item. Make sure you know what babies need and what your wife may need and where to find it. If you know you’re bound to muck it up, get detailed information from mommy about what she wants.

• Please handle your family. If you know your wife and your mother do not see eye to eye, you should be the person inviting your family or telling them that now is not a good time for a visit. If your wife wants your mother to be more involved, you are the one who should tell your mother what to do.

• Do bring your wife something nice in hospital. See to it that she has enough snacks. And buy her a little gift. It only has to be a little one!

• You probably will have to learn how to cook some basic dishes – also preferably BEFORE baby is due. Or you’ll have to be able to buy takeout or instant meals every other night, if not every night. On this point, it’s wise to phone your wife before you leave the office to check what you can bring home. Have the numbers of all the takeout restaurants close to you handy, and don’t forget about frozen home-cooked meals you can buy. If all else fails, there’s always Woolies. This sort of opens up the next issue.

• You will never, never ever again be able to come home and just put yourself down on the couch in front of the TV until dinner (or whenever, because dinner is not served in households with newborns). Major infringement. Any time from about 17:00 onwards is suicide watch in homes with babies (and little children). It’s that notorious time of day when colicky babies have their prime colicky time of the day. You may have to walk up and down with a screaming infant for three hours in the early evening. Prepare yourself.

• Oh, and why would you be walking up and down with the infant? Because your wife had the baby for the whole day and he slept only an hour. And she had to feed him every two hours. She is exhausted beyond belief. You will never know how much energy breastfeeding requires. It’s astonishing.

• If possible at all, it’s a good idea to be close by when your wife breastfeeds. On the one hand, you can bring her some water or tea when she gets thirsty, and on the other hand, she could use your company. Yes, you may be in trouble all the time, but she still loves you and she needs some adult conversation to keep her semi-sane.

• Back to suicide watch. In a best-case scenario, you will be required to help bath, dress or feed the baby during this time of day. It will count for you if you offer to do something. At least it shows that you’re interested. Remember that this is major baby bonding time. Really.

• That brings me to sex. What sex? Maybe next year if you’re lucky. (That was my husband interrupting… but it’s worth taking note: you probably won’t have sex for SOME TIME. Live with it.)

• The next rule (yes, RULE) is important. Remember not to give your advice too freely. In fact, it would be good if you could keep it to yourself. Your wife knows you are the daddy, and that you only mean well, but as a mother, she knows best. If baby has a screaming session in the middle of the night and nothing works AND you suggest that baby is hungry… you’ll be lucky if you only end up sleeping on the couch.

• And while I mentioned the middle of the night, I might just as well add what you think you already know. You won’t be getting much sleep for the first few months. OK, that’s an understatement. Prepare yourself for waking up at night every three hours to start with. If you’re lucky and you have one of those one in a million textbook babies who do sleep the way they should, you should thank God every day. And we don’t want to know about it.

No one knows how immediately and drastically babies change people’s lives until they have experienced it. It does put a lot of stress on both partners and because of sleep deprivation and every individual’s attempt to cope with it, partners do end up not talking to each other and being depressed – yes, men can get depressed too! Try to keep talking to each other and speak about your true feelings. Dads can be an integral part of their children’s lives and they should be. No experience in the world will wear you out more, but nothing will be as rewarding as a special relationship with your child.

If you can add anything a new daddy should know, add a comment.

'n Verjaarsdag en 'n prekie

Kinders laat ons dinge doen. Hulle sorg dat ons nie net toeskouers in die lewe bly nie, maar by baie en interessante dinge betrokke raak. Hulle dwing ons om uit 'n ander hoek na die lewe te kyk. Uit hulle perspektief. En meestal leer ons grootmense daaruit - meer as wat ons dink!

Wie sou ooit kon dink ek sou my hand aan so 'n koek waag? Nee, dit gaan geen prys wen nie, maar vir my en my dogtertjie was dit een awesome koek!

To tell or not to tell

We are pregnant. Again. After a disappointing, but not devastating, miscarriage at ten weeks last year.

Our eight-week visit with the previous pregnancy to the gynaecologist was extremely disappointing – it felt like we could see much less of this new baby than we did with our first-born’s scan. That is also when he told us that perhaps we don’t want to tell everybody about the pregnancy yet... was that his standard speech or did he notice something we didn’t?

At that stage I told him that it was too late – I had already told EVERYBODY and to me it made sense: if anything would go wrong, I would have a support system and not be sorry for myself all on my own.

Two weeks later that theory was tested. I have to say it worked – for me. I SMSed or called all my family and friends to let them know I had a miscarriage. Nobody thought less of me. My parents were a bit shocked, because there have not been miscarriages in our family, but they were supportive and helped us with everything we needed, like any other good parents.

Interestingly, few other people were completely shocked – most of them had miscarriages before or knew at least one other person who did. It’s just something nobody talks about. It sure doesn’t make a good dinner conversation topic! But it’s something that do happen, to a lot of people. According to www.babycentre.co.uk, 15% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. And it doesn’t seem that doctors get too excited about even two miscarriages in a row – they’ll only get worried if there is a third one, depending on the circumstances, of course.

Obviously not everyone deals with miscarriage in the same way. I’m sure that if it was my first baby, I would have had a lot more issues to work through afterwards. What also helped me to cope quite well was that I read up on the topic, and it seems that there is nothing an expectant mother can do to prevent a miscarriage. You can put your feet up and rest, but apparently that will not prevent it.

If you have a healthy lifestyle during pregnancy, you can probably not cause a miscarriage – it seems that babies who are abnormal in some way tend to miscarry. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s easier on us humans if Mother Nature sorts out problems like these in her own way, rather than us being confronted with a difficult decision later on when we do find out that there is something wrong with the baby.

So, do we tell everyone now again? At seven weeks? Obviously! Apparently other people can keep news like this to themselves, but I’m not other people. It has to get out! Yes, we also want to know whether we’ll have a boy or a girl as soon as possible!